How To Be Ready For Having Kids

11 Step Program For Those Thinking Of Having Kids

Take A Goat To The Grocery Store

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway potless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.


1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend  to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Nick Jr. for at least five years.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Source: Baby Gizmo Blog

Fatherless by Dr James Dobson and Kurt Bruner - A Review

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I have long known the name of "Dr. James Dobson" because of his Focus on the Family program many years ago. I was surprised when I found out he had a novel soon to be released. Then, after reading the synopsis, I decided it seemed different enough to be something I'd like to lend my time to checking out. Today, I finally finished this novel, Fatherless, which he coauthored with Kurt Bruner. Wow. This is what you'd call dystopian, speculative fiction. It's something of a futuristic, political suspense. But it touches on key issues of society and what it means to be human.  And what it means to be a Christian in a society that seemed to have forgotten what it means to value all human life.

This really is a book about the future that you hope never actually happens. The following is from the official synopsis of the book:

The year is 2042, and a long-predicted tipping point has arrived. For the first time in human history, the economic pyramid has flipped: The feeble old now outnumber the vigorous young, and this untenable situation is intensifying a battle between competing cultural agendas. Reporter Julia Davidson-a formerly award-winning journalist seeking to revive a flagging career-is investigating the growing crisis, unaware that her activity makes her a pawn in an ominous conspiracy. Plagued by nightmares about her absent father, Julia finds herself drawn to the quiet strength of a man she meets at a friend's church. As the engrossing plot of FATHERLESS unfolds, Julia will face choices that pit professional success against personal survival in an increasingly uncertain and dangerous world.
In the dystopian tradition of books like 1984, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games, FATHERLESS vividly imagines a future in which present-day trends come to sinister fruition. The second and third books in the series, CHILDLESS and GODLESS, will follow at eight-month intervals.

The book is intelligently and maturely written. It is firmly for the adult who wants a little more than a light read, but is not bogged down with heavy discourse. I really liked how the authors were able to express nuances of emotion and thought patterns in the characters' interactions. The book also contains a few suggestive sexual hints in the context of a marriage relationship. Nothing graphic; but I don't think this is fare for the average teen. There were a few times in the earlier half of the book got a little slower than I'd like, but I'm glad I stuck with it as Dobson and Bruner laid a good foundation for the events of this book, and (what I now know will be) two upcoming books in the series.

All in all, this was a nice blend of speculative and yet, informative, fiction. It forces one to think of what present-day government policies could evolve into in the future. If you need a break from only romance historicals, and murder mystery, I recommend this for worthwhile variety in your diet of fiction.


I received a copy of this book from Netgalley but this is my honest review, at my own initiative.

Second Quarter

April already! We're into the second quarter of the new year. I was going to do a post about how horrified I am that I haven't blogged for a while (I'm truly kind of shocked) but I decided to just pick myself up from here and move on. It would be pointless to try to capture all that has transpired in the last three months. I have been working, and at school, and trying to keep up with other things. I admit that I could benefit from a little more commitment.

One of my longtime friends is visiting for a week. We met on my first day at a new school over 20 years ago and we've been friends ever since. She lives in Florida now and I see her whenever she visits: an average of once every two years. She has been inviting me to come visit for YEARS now and something always gets in the way. I even went so far as to "promise" I would visit in 2012 and then it just wasn't possible. And now, I've toyed with the idea of joining her on her return trip. But, again, it's really just not a good time for me. I'm hoping that I can spend some of the Summer in Florida but I'm just going to keep that to myself till I know for sure.

I went to the beach two days ago. It was an impromptu trip and we really didn't know we were going to end up at the beach on the other end of the island. I wasn't prepared and didn't have a suit but the water was so perfect for swimming. Still, it was a nice day and must have done something for me. I got back home and slept for about 15 hours - effectively ending the major sleep deficits that had been accumulating nightly for the past week.

After a less than great presentation last evening, I'm devoting this weekend to studying and working on graded assignments. This is what I should have been doing for the past week or two but instead, I have been out at the movies, hanging out at dinner with friends, reading books at home...at the beach.

I'm about to head to the post office where I'll collect some books that I ordered, as well as a laptop for my mom, so I'm going to end this here. But I'll be back soon. By the way, this is my first post from my iPad. I got a bluetooth keyboard and decided I'd like to try it and it's working really well. If the pics post correctly here I might use it more often, and perhaps that will help me blog more regularly.